A $2 billion project on paper. Then some poor sod makes the mistake of trying to build it.

Dawe: Mr Taylor, thanks for your time.

Clarke: Good to be here, Bryan.

Dawe: You were energy minister in 2019.

Clarke: (slowly) Two thousand and nineteen? (quickening) Why, so I was. And a very good one. Big Coal loved me. Base-load Taylor, they called me. Always available. Never got a gold shovel, mind. Just shares.

Dawe: You own shares in coal?

Clarke: We all do, Bryan. It’s in everybody’s super.

Dawe: You funded and approved Snowy 2.0.

Clarke: I did. Fabulous project. Two billion dollars. Up and running by 2021.

Dawe: It’s now expected to cost up to $25 billion.

Clarke: Not under me.

Dawe: First power is expected in 2029.

Clarke: Again, not under me. Under me it was 2021.

Dawe: What happened?

Clarke: Chris Bowen happened, Bryan. Everything that bloke touches turns to custard.

Dawe: He became minister in 2022.

Clarke: And look at the place now. Tunnels everywhere.

Dawe: The project is a tunnel.

Clarke: On paper, Bryan, it was a very cheap tunnel. That’s where I left it.

Dawe: On paper.

Clarke: Well, a beer mat. Malcolm did the costings at the pub.

Dawe: The costs have gone up since construction began.

Clarke: You put that well. I’d have had it finished years ago if no one had touched it.

Dawe: The head of Snowy Hydro says the project’s complexity wasn’t fully understood when it began.

Clarke: That’s right. That was the beauty of it.

Dawe: The beauty of it?

Clarke: If you fully understood it, Bryan, you’d never start. Nothing would ever get built in this country. You’ve got to go in with a bit of optimism.

Dawe: One of the tunnel boring machines, Florence, got stuck in soft ground.

Clarke: Florence was firming, Bryan.

Dawe: Firming?

Clarke: Holding her position. Very reliable. Never moved.

Dawe: Dan Tehan says you did the due diligence.

Clarke: I did. Thoroughly. I looked at the number two and I was very diligent about it.

Dawe: Where did the two billion come from?

Clarke: It was the price, Bryan. It was on the listing.

Dawe: The listing?

Clarke: You know how it is. You’re scrolling of an evening. Pumped hydro scheme, two billion, free delivery. Lovely photo. Blue lake, bit of snow on the hills. You click on it.

Dawe: When you approved it in February 2019, Snowy Hydro said up to $4.5 billion.

Clarke: Shipping and handling, Bryan.

Dawe: And what arrived?

Clarke: A hole, Bryan. A very long hole. And then a great many invoices for the hole.

Dawe: Is that a problem?

Clarke: Only that now I can’t get rid of them. Every time I go online, there’s another hole. The algorithm thinks I love them.

Dawe: Do you?

Clarke: Well, there’s a lot of money in holes, Bryan. My super fund is full of them. So is yours.

Dawe: How does the scheme work?

Clarke: Beautifully. You pump a shed load of water up the mountain when power’s cheap. Then you let it run back down when power’s dear.

Dawe: It uses more electricity than it produces.

Clarke: We call that round-trip efficiency, Bryan. Any fool can make electricity. It takes a nation to lose some.

Dawe: Energy analysts say the cheap power that pumps the water uphill comes mostly from coal.

Clarke: Well, of course. Where did you think cheap power came from?

Dawe: And when it comes back down, it’s sold as renewable.

Clarke: That’s the miracle of the mountain, Bryan. Coal goes up. Clean green hydro comes down.

Dawe: How?

Clarke: It’s been washed, Bryan. Like a donation.

Dawe: Chris Bowen says it’s a geological and engineering fact that it can’t be built any cheaper.

Clarke: Well, he would say that. He’s been listening to the mountain.

Dawe: The mountain?

Clarke: Not under me, Bryan. Under me, Kosciuszko was a model hydraulic project. Let’s talk engineering. Best head in Australia. That’s the height the water falls between the top and bottom reservoirs. Best head gives you most power.

Dawe: So the bigger the head, the higher you have to pump it back up.

Clarke: Let’s talk workforce. Tremendous team on board. Social cohesion at its peak.

Dawe: Chris Bowen has just put Sussan Ley on the board.

Clarke: Smart girl. Sussan knows all about altitude. She can fly a plane, you know. Clever choice. And nobody will ever understand being undermined like Sussan.

Dawe: It was due in 2021. Then 2023. Then 2025. Then 2026, 2027, 2029 and 2028. Now it’s late 2029.

Clarke: That’s flexibility. You don’t want a rigid project.

Dawe: Snowy Hydro has set aside $3 billion in contingency.

Clarke: Very sensible. In case something unexpected happens.

Dawe: Such as?

Clarke: Building it.

Dawe: Meanwhile, the government has bid to send the Australian of the Year to the International Space Station.

Clarke: I saw that. Reckless. Is she even dispatchable?

Dawe: The Science Minister, Tim Ayres, says it requires careful fiscal management.

Clarke: Quite right.

Dawe: The seat was priced at about a hundred million. The government’s been passing the hat round philanthropists.

Clarke: As it should. You can’t just throw money at a rocket, Bryan.

Dawe: Asked who pays for the Snowy blowout, the same minister said it would be dealt with in the budget in the normal way.

Clarke: There you are, Bryan. That’s the normal way.

Dawe: Should Snowy 2.0 be scrapped?

Clarke: Bryan, I’ve only just disowned the bastard. Give me a chance.

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The facts Dawe puts to Clarke are on the record: the $25 billion cost, the 2029 date and the contingency, the price when Taylor approved it in 2019, the shifting completion dates, Sussan Ley’s appointment, the space bid and what Barnes, Tehan, Bowen and Ayres said on the day. “Not under me” and “custard” are Angus Taylor’s own words. The rest of Clarke’s answers are satire.

A tribute to John Clarke (1948 to 2017), whose method this borrows and whose genius it cannot. With thanks to Bryan Dawe.

The Clarke and Dawe format and characters remain the work and property of John Clarke (Roderick Willows Pty Ltd) and Bryan Dawe. This sketch is an independent homage, written and published by Urban Wronski, and is not affiliated with or endorsed by them.