A note on acknowledgement and copyright

This piece is written as a tribute to the late John Clarke (29 July 1948 – 9 April 2017) and his long-time collaborator Bryan Dawe. For nearly three decades, Clarke and Dawe produced weekly satirical mock interviews that became one of the most distinctive and beloved fixtures of Australian public life – first on A Current Affair, then on The 7.30 Report, and finally as their own program on the ABC.

Clarke, a New Zealander who made Australia his home, never impersonated his subjects. He played them in his own voice, with his own gleam in his eye, allowing the absurdity of power to speak for itself. Dawe held the line – patient, persistent, and quietly devastating. Together they were without equal.

The format used here – two chairs, a clipboard, an interviewer and an evasive public figure – is theirs. This is an imitation written in homage, not a reproduction of any original Clarke and Dawe script. Copyright in the original Clarke and Dawe works is held by Roderick Willows Pty Ltd (John Clarke’s estate) and by Bryan Dawe. Readers wishing to access the original interviews, books and recordings are encouraged to visit mrjohnclarke.com.

John Clarke died on 9 April 2017 while walking up Mount Abrupt in the Grampians – which is, characteristically, exactly the kind of thing he would have written into a sketch about the difficulty of finding an exit strategy.

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The set: two chairs, a small table, a glass of water. BRYAN DAWE sits with his clipboard. JOHN CLARKE enters, wearing a very expensive suit slightly too tight, with a red tie the colour of haemorrhaging electoral support. He takes his seat with the forced composure of a man who has just watched his house burn down and decided to call it a renovation.

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DAWE: Good evening. I’m joined tonight by the Leader of the Liberal Party of Australia, Mr Angus Taylor. Mr Taylor, thank you for coming in.

CLARKE: Very happy to be here, Bryan.

DAWE: The Farrer by-election. One Nation has won a House of Representatives seat for the first time in Australian political history. The Liberal and National parties together polled around twenty per cent. You lost a seat the Coalition has held since 1949 by roughly the same margin as a man falls off a cliff. How do you feel?

CLARKE: I feel genuinely optimistic about the direction—

DAWE: Twenty per cent.

CLARKE: —the direction in which we are now—

DAWE: Twenty.

CLARKE: —pivoting.

DAWE: Pivoting toward what?

CLARKE: Toward a very robust and substantive conversation with regional Australia about our values proposition going forward.

DAWE: Sussan Ley held that seat for twenty-five years. The Coalition held it since 1949. And the Liberal Party’s primary vote last Saturday was nine-point-eight per cent.

CLARKE: I think what you’re seeing is a genuine—

DAWE: Nine-point-eight.

CLARKE: —a genuine expression of, of—

DAWE: Less than ten.

CLARKE: —of voter enthusiasm for the kinds of conversations we need to be having.

DAWE: And the National Party?

CLARKE: Matt Canavan is a very committed and passionate—

DAWE: They got twelve-point-three per cent.

CLARKE: —twelve-point-three per cent of people who are really excited about—

DAWE: Together you got twenty-two per cent. In a seat Labor didn’t even bother contesting.

CLARKE: Labor didn’t contest it, Bryan. That’s the point. That says a great deal about—

DAWE: It says Labor didn’t want to muddy the water while you drowned.

CLARKE: That’s one interpretation.

DAWE: What’s yours?

CLARKE: That we are the natural party of—

DAWE: Government?

CLARKE: —of opposition. Which we are. Very much.

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DAWE: Let’s talk about the winner. David Farley. One Nation. Former CEO of Australian Agricultural Company. Known, amongst other things, for describing the then Prime Minister Julia Gillard in 2012 as a — and I’m quoting — “non-productive old cow,” in reference to a Darwin abattoir.

CLARKE: Very much tongue in cheek.

DAWE: That’s what he said.

CLARKE: And Pauline backed him up.

DAWE: She said the comments were “mild.” She said “get over it.”

CLARKE: I think regional Australia has spoken.

DAWE: It has also emerged that he shared content from OnlyFans creators on social media, which he described as accidental.

CLARKE: (long pause) Farming community.

DAWE: He ran for Labor preselection in 2022.

CLARKE: He did not.

DAWE: He did. You ran attack ads about it.

CLARKE: That’s correct, yes.

DAWE: So the man who beat you is a former Labor preselection candidate, a former CEO who compared a woman prime minister to abattoir livestock, accidentally browsed OnlyFans, and is now the first One Nation member ever elected to the lower house.

CLARKE: It’s a complex electorate.

DAWE: He also banned the ABC from his victory party.

CLARKE: He says he didn’t know about that.

DAWE: He was at the party.

CLARKE: (nodding slowly) Regional issues.

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DAWE: Now here’s the question I want to press you on. Pauline Hanson is presenting this as a great triumph. But Mr Farley is seventy-three years old—

CLARKE: (perking up) Is he.

DAWE: —and there are genuine questions about whether he’ll serve a full term.

CLARKE: That’s not for me to—

DAWE: He’s older than the seat.

CLARKE: I wish him robust health.

DAWE: If he goes, you’re looking at another by-election in Farrer.

CLARKE: We’ll be very well-positioned to—

DAWE: You got nine-point-eight per cent last night.

CLARKE: (quietly) We’re listening very carefully to the feedback.

DAWE: Meanwhile, what One Nation has actually done is take votes from you and the Nationals in regional and rural seats. They haven’t taken a single seat from Labor. They haven’t broken into the cities. Every One Nation vote in regional Australia is a vote leaving your column and going to Pauline’s.

CLARKE: That’s a rather reductive—

DAWE: Antony Green suggested that every rural and regional seat the Nationals hold is now potentially vulnerable to One Nation.

CLARKE: Antony Green is a—

DAWE: A what?

CLARKE: —a very distinguished electoral analyst.

DAWE: Yes. He is.

CLARKE: (long pause) We’ll be having some very productive conversations with our base.

DAWE: Your base just voted for a man who went to an abattoir to explain why the Prime Minister should be killed and minced.

CLARKE: That is not a fair characterisation of—

DAWE: Has Labor sent you a card?

CLARKE: (staring into the middle distance) Probably.

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DAWE: One last question. Sussan Ley. You beat her for the leadership thirty-four votes to seventeen in February. She resigned. Her resignation triggered this by-election. You lost the seat. Do you feel any responsibility?

CLARKE: I feel a deep and abiding commitment to the democratic process.

DAWE: That’s not what I asked.

CLARKE: The Liberal Party is a broad church.

DAWE: It’s a paddock. And Pauline just bought the fencing.

CLARKE: (standing, composing himself) We’ll be releasing a comprehensive regional policy framework in due course.

DAWE: When?

CLARKE: (already leaving) Going forward.

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DAWE looks at the camera. Then at his clipboard. Then at the camera again.

DAWE: In summary: the Coalition held Farrer since 1949, lost it to a party founded by a woman they cannot bring themselves to take seriously, whose candidate once likened a female prime minister to livestock ready for slaughter, and whose idea of media relations is locking the ABC out of the pub. The winner may not last the parliamentary term. The losers may not last the decade. And somewhere in Canberra, Anthony Albanese is having a very quiet, very satisfied cup of tea.

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DAWE closes his folder.

DAWE: (to camera) Which, if you’re paying attention, is the only product being processed here tonight.