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This sketch is written in the tradition of John Clarke and Bryan Dawe, whose work set the standard for Australian political satire. It is offered as homage, not impersonation. John Clarke died in April 2017. Bryan Dawe continues to work as a writer and performer. Neither has any association with this piece beyond the debt every Australian satirist owes them.

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UNINVESTABLE A Clarke and Dawe sketch By Urban Wronski aka David Tyler

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DAWE: Mr Clarke, thank you for coming in.

CLARKE: Happy to. Always happy to talk to the Australian people.

DAWE: You represent the Australian Energy Producers Association.

CLARKE: I represent Australian jobs, Bryan. Australian families. Australian prosperity. And a deep, abiding love of this sunburned country.

DAWE: Right. You’ve been before the Senate inquiry.

CLARKE: We have. And we made our position very clear.

DAWE: Which is?

CLARKE: That Australia is uninvestable.

DAWE: Uninvestable.

CLARKE: Completely uninvestable. I can’t stress this enough.

DAWE: And yet you’re still here.

CLARKE: Sorry?

DAWE: You’re still investing. In Australia.

CLARKE: Well. Yes.

DAWE: Despite being uninvestable.

CLARKE: What we mean is that the threat of a tax makes us uninvestable. The tax itself isn’t there yet. We’re pre-uninvestable.

DAWE: Pre-uninvestable.

CLARKE: Exactly. A warning, if you like. From us. To Australia. About what could happen to us.

DAWE: If Australia taxed you.

CLARKE: If Australia taxed us at anything approaching a fair rate, yes.

DAWE: What are you paying now?

CLARKE: We pay a great deal of tax, Bryan.

DAWE: How much?

CLARKE: Enormous amounts. Billions. The figure I prefer to use is twenty billion dollars a year.

DAWE: Santos paid zero corporate tax for ten consecutive years on forty-seven billion dollars in sales.

CLARKE: Santos had significant legacy deductions.

DAWE: Chevron paid its first PRRT instalment in August 2025. After decades of extraction.

CLARKE: Chevron had substantial capital recovery requirements.

DAWE: Japan collects more tax from Australian gas than Australia does.

CLARKE: (pause) Japan is a very organised country.

DAWE: The federal government gets one point four billion in PRRT from offshore gas. Queensland gets more than that from onshore royalties. On less gas.

CLARKE: Apples and oranges, Bryan. Completely different tax structures.

DAWE: Australia’s gas is worth sixty-seven billion dollars a year in exports.

CLARKE: Correct.

DAWE: And you’re paying one point four billion in the federal resource rent tax.

CLARKE: It’s a profit-based tax. We had losses to offset.

DAWE: For thirty years.

CLARKE: It was an expensive industry to set up.

DAWE: Qatar made fifty-six billion dollars in government revenue from LNG last year. Australia made ten billion. From more gas.

CLARKE: Qatar is a sovereign wealth situation. Very different model.

DAWE: Norway has a more than two-trillion-dollar sovereign wealth fund from oil and gas.

CLARKE: Norway is a Scandinavian situation. We’re not Scandinavian, Bryan.

DAWE: Ross Garnaut and Rod Sims proposed the government take a forty percent equity share in new projects. Like Norway does.

CLARKE: That’s essentially nationalisation.

DAWE: Norway doesn’t call it nationalisation.

CLARKE: Norway can call it whatever they like. In Australia, we call it uninvestable.

DAWE: A consulting firm called Wood Mackenzie produced a report for your association.

CLARKE: An independent analysis. Yes.

DAWE: Commissioned by you.

CLARKE: Independently conducted by them.

DAWE: It said a twenty-five percent tax would reduce project value by up to ninety-four percent.

CLARKE: Correct. Devastating. The numbers speak for themselves.

DAWE: Ninety-four percent.

CLARKE: Ninety-four. Almost total destruction of value.

DAWE: The Superpower Institute — Ross Garnaut, Rod Sims — looked at the same numbers and said a fair share levy would raise thirteen billion a year without affecting investment at all.

CLARKE: They have a different methodology.

DAWE: They said the government would take an equity share rather than impose a cost.

CLARKE: That is a very technical distinction, Bryan.

DAWE: Like the difference between ninety-four percent and zero percent.

CLARKE: (pause) Economics is not an exact science.

DAWE: Ken Henry told the Senate to just do it and stop the crap.

CLARKE: Ken Henry is a very passionate man.

DAWE: Meanwhile the government is cutting fuel excise.

CLARKE: Yes. Good policy. Tremendous relief for working families.

DAWE: Thirty-two cents a litre.

CLARKE: Every cent counts.

DAWE: While international LNG prices have gone up sixty-one percent in a year because of the Middle East conflict.

CLARKE: Global volatility. Nothing we can do.

DAWE: You’re making more money from the war than at any point in your history.

CLARKE: We prefer the term elevated margins in a disrupted supply environment.

DAWE: And the government is giving motorists thirty-two cents a litre funded by the taxpayer.

CLARKE: It’s a wonderful gesture.

DAWE: While declining to collect thirteen billion dollars a year in a fair share levy from you.

CLARKE: A levy that would make us uninvestable.

DAWE: You keep saying that.

CLARKE: It’s important. People need to understand the scale of the risk.

DAWE: What’s the risk exactly?

CLARKE: That we leave.

DAWE: And take the gas with you?

CLARKE: (long pause) We’d take the rigs.

DAWE: The gas stays.

CLARKE: The gas stays. But without us, Bryan, it’s just rock.

DAWE: Very expensive rock that you’ve been getting for free for thirty years.

CLARKE: For which we’ve made an enormous contribution to the Australian community.

DAWE: One point four billion a year.

CLARKE: In PRRT alone.

DAWE: On sixty-seven billion in exports.

CLARKE: It’s a profit-based tax, Bryan. I’ve explained this.

DAWE: And the government said no.

CLARKE: The government understands the complexity of our trading relationships.

DAWE: And handed Australians thirty-two cents a litre instead.

CLARKE: Which is a meaningful gesture in difficult times.

DAWE: You’re getting thirteen billion a year more than you should. We’re getting thirty-two cents.

CLARKE: We prefer to frame it as mutual benefit in a shared energy future.

DAWE: Mr Clarke, are you going to be appearing before the Senate inquiry again?

CLARKE: The CEO of Woodside declined to appear at all.

DAWE: Yes, I know.

CLARKE: I think that shows real leadership.

DAWE: In what sense?

CLARKE: In the sense that we’ve made our position very clear without the inconvenience of being asked about it.

DAWE: Mr Clarke, thank you.

CLARKE: Always a pleasure, Bryan. Australia is a wonderful country.

DAWE: Despite being uninvestable.

CLARKE: Exactly. That’s what makes it so special.

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