In the tradition of John Clarke and Bryan Dawe
INTERVIEWER: Prime Minister, thank you for joining us.
ALBANESE: Always a pleasure. Always. I want to say that upfront. Always a pleasure to be here, to answer questions, to be across it, and to be completely transparent with the Australian people, who deserve nothing less.
INTERVIEWER: Terrific. Are we at war with Iran?
ALBANESE: No.
INTERVIEWER: Right. And the three Australian submariners aboard the USS Minnesota when it sank the Iranian frigate …
ALBANESE: Were not involved in the strike.
INTERVIEWER: They were on the submarine.
ALBANESE: Correct.
INTERVIEWER: The submarine that fired the torpedoes.
ALBANESE: The submarine that carried out the operation, yes.
INTERVIEWER: And they weren’t involved.
ALBANESE: Not in the firing, no. They were there in a training capacity.
INTERVIEWER: What were they training to do?
ALBANESE: To operate nuclear submarines.
INTERVIEWER: Which do what, principally?
ALBANESE: They’re a deterrent.
INTERVIEWER: They deterred the IRIS Dena rather comprehensively.
ALBANESE: I’m not going to get into operational specifics.
INTERVIEWER: One hundred and forty Iranian sailors.
ALBANESE: It’s a tragedy. We’ve been very clear about that. And we again call on all parties to de-escalate.
INTERVIEWER: You called on the Iranians to de-escalate after we sank one of their ships.
ALBANESE: Australia did not sink anything. I’ve been very clear about this.
INTERVIEWER: Sorry, after the submarine our personnel were aboard sank one of their ships.
ALBANESE: In a training capacity.
INTERVIEWER: What did the training involve on that particular day?
ALBANESE: I’m not going to get into …
INTERVIEWER: Operational specifics, yes. Pine Gap.
ALBANESE: Vital national infrastructure.
INTERVIEWER: It’s currently providing real-time targeting intelligence over Iran.
ALBANESE: Pine Gap serves a range of functions across a range of contexts in a range of …
INTERVIEWER: Is targeting Iran one of them?
ALBANESE: Pine Gap is a joint facility operated in accordance with our treaty obligations and the national interest.
INTERVIEWER: So yes.
ALBANESE: I’m not going to confirm or deny specific operational …
INTERVIEWER: There are forty-five satellite dishes there.
ALBANESE: It’s a big facility.
INTERVIEWER: Pointing at Iran.
ALBANESE: I haven’t personally counted the dishes or checked where they’re pointing. That’s not what prime ministers do.
INTERVIEWER: What do prime ministers do?
ALBANESE: They provide leadership. They make the hard calls. They stand with Australia’s allies at moments of …
INTERVIEWER: Are we at war with Iran?
ALBANESE: No.
INTERVIEWER: Right. Al Minhad Air Base.
ALBANESE: Vital regional presence. Operation Accordion.
INTERVIEWER: Iran attacked it.
ALBANESE: Iran attacked a lot of things. Iran has been conducting retaliatory strikes across the region in a manner that we have consistently and strongly condemned, while calling for …
INTERVIEWER: Why did Iran attack our base?
ALBANESE: It’s not our base. It’s a UAE facility at which we have a presence.
INTERVIEWER: Why did Iran attack the UAE facility at which we have a presence?
ALBANESE: Because Iran is engaged in a pattern of destabilising behaviour across the region which …
INTERVIEWER: They said it’s because we’re involved in the war.
ALBANESE: We’re not involved in the war.
INTERVIEWER: Then why did they bomb our base?
ALBANESE: (long pause) The UAE facility at which we have a presence.
INTERVIEWER: Yes.
ALBANESE: Because they’re Iran.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. The Wedgetail.
ALBANESE: A highly capable airborne early warning and control aircraft, yes.
INTERVIEWER: Deployed to the Gulf.
ALBANESE: In a defensive capacity.
INTERVIEWER: What does it do?
ALBANESE: Battle management. It coordinates …
INTERVIEWER: Whose battle?
ALBANESE: (pause) It’s a defensive deployment.
INTERVIEWER: Defending the battle.
ALBANESE: Defending against Iranian aggression, yes.
INTERVIEWER: Which is their response to our attack.
ALBANESE: Which is their response to the US-Israeli operation, in which Australia …
INTERVIEWER: Was not involved.
ALBANESE: Was not a primary …
INTERVIEWER: Was not involved.
ALBANESE: Was supportive of the objectives while …
INTERVIEWER: Were you supportive of the objectives?
ALBANESE: We stand with our allies, yes.
INTERVIEWER: The objectives being regime change.
ALBANESE: The objectives being the denuclearisation and demilitarisation …
INTERVIEWER: And the killing of the Supreme Leader.
ALBANESE: That was an outcome of the operation, not a stated …
INTERVIEWER: Trump stated it.
ALBANESE: President Trump has his own …
INTERVIEWER: Netanyahu stated it.
ALBANESE: Both leaders have been very clear about …
INTERVIEWER: Were you supportive of killing the Supreme Leader?
ALBANESE: We support the right of the Iranian people to determine their own …
INTERVIEWER: Were you supportive of killing him?
ALBANESE: We were supportive of the …
INTERVIEWER: Yes or no.
ALBANESE: We supported the operation.
INTERVIEWER: Which killed him.
ALBANESE: Among other outcomes, yes.
INTERVIEWER: And then bombed a girls’ school in Minab and killed a hundred and seventy children.
ALBANESE: (very long pause) We have called for all parties to ensure the protection of civilian …
INTERVIEWER: Were you supportive of that outcome?
ALBANESE: Of course not. We’ve been crystal clear. We deeply …
INTERVIEWER: But you supported the operation.
ALBANESE: We supported the operation’s objectives.
INTERVIEWER: The operation killed a hundred and seventy schoolgirls.
ALBANESE: The operation was not designed to …
INTERVIEWER: But it did.
ALBANESE: Yes.
INTERVIEWER: And we supported it.
ALBANESE: We supported the …
INTERVIEWER: Prime Minister, are we at war with Iran?
ALBANESE: (very long pause)
No.
INTERVIEWER: Right. Now, the handkerchief.
ALBANESE: I beg your pardon?
INTERVIEWER: The pocket square. Is that Hardie Amies?
ALBANESE: (brightening) It is, actually. Good eye.
INTERVIEWER: It’s very fresh.
ALBANESE: I always believe presentation matters. The Australian people deserve a Prime Minister who —
INTERVIEWER: There’s no blood on it.
ALBANESE: I’m sorry?
INTERVIEWER: I just noticed. Not a mark on it.
ALBANESE: (pause) No.
INTERVIEWER: Remarkable.
ALBANESE: We’ve been very …
INTERVIEWER: Careful with the laundry.
ALBANESE: Careful. Calibrated. Consistent. Committed to the alliance while maintaining …
INTERVIEWER: The crease.
ALBANESE: The crease, yes.
INTERVIEWER: Thank you, Prime Minister.
ALBANESE: Always a pleasure.
INTERVIEWER: (to camera) Mr Albanese is seeking re-election. The campaign theme is “Stronger Together.” Together with whom has not been specified.
Clarke and Dawe ran on the ABC from 1989 until John Clarke’s death in 2017. The form; one straight man, one evasive subject, the gap between question and answer doing all the work, remains the most efficient satirical instrument in the Australian political toolkit. This piece is written in homage.
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