Two figures in a satirical theatrical setting -- one in a suit holding a Bible and military briefing document with a lanyard reading "Office of Sacred Communications," the other a composed interviewer with a clipboard -- lit by a single spotlight, with St Peter's Basilica and a naval carrier group suggested in the background shadows.

The Holy War on the Holy See

Written by urbanwronski

A NOTE ON CLARKE AND DAWE

John Clarke and Bryan Dawe were, for thirty years, the sharpest double act in Australian public life. Every Thursday night on the ABC, Clarke played the politician, the bureaucrat, the spin doctor; always reasonable, always measured, always talking fluent, faithfully observed, nonsense, while Dawe played the interviewer who simply would not stop following the logic. The genius of it was Clarke’s genius: he never winked. There was always a glint in the eye, however. The absurdity was always delivered with complete sincerity, which is, of course, how the absurdity is always delivered in real life.

What Clarke had, above all, was a lynx-eyed ability to locate the precise point where official language parts company with reality and keep pressing on it until something gave way. Dawe’s straight-faced persistence did the rest. Together they produced the most economical form of political satire available: two chairs, two people, and the truth hiding in plain sight between them.

Clarke died in 2017, mid-sketch, as it were, in a world that was only going to give him more material. The loss has never quite been filled.

Bryan Dawe, I’m pleased to say, is among the readers of this series of tributes. This one’s for him, and for John, who would have had Hegseth’s theology dismantled before the first ABC self-promoting ad break.

THE HOLY WAR ON THE HOLY SEE In the manner of Clarke and Dawe

Clarke enters wearing a lanyard that reads “Office of Sacred Communications.”

Clarke: Good morning. The Secretary wanted me to address a few points about the spiritual dimension of Operation Epic Fury.

Dawe: Spiritual dimension.

Clarke: That’s correct. This is, at its core, a faith-based initiative.

Dawe: And the Pope disagrees.

Clarke: Well, with respect to the Holy Father, he’s new to the job.

Dawe: He’s been Pope for nearly a year.

Clarke: Right, but he hasn’t had much experience with overwhelming airpower.

Dawe: He’s also American.

Clarke: That’s actually the part that concerns us most.

Dawe: The Secretary said the rescue of the downed pilot was like the Resurrection.

Clarke: Shot down on Good Friday. Rescued on Easter Sunday. The Secretary felt that was worth noting.

Dawe: And the Pope said God does not hear the prayers of those whose hands are full of blood.

Clarke: The Pope was speaking metaphorically.

Dawe: Was the Secretary speaking metaphorically?

Clarke: The Secretary was speaking operationally.

Dawe: So one of them is using religion to mean something and the other one isn’t.

Clarke: We prefer to say the Secretary has a more muscular theology.

Dawe: Right. And the Pope said: “Woe to those who drag the sacred into darkness and filth for military and political gain.”

Clarke: He wasn’t referring to us specifically.

Dawe: Who was he referring to?

Clarke: We believe he had in mind a range of bad actors.

Dawe: He named the President.

Clarke: Popes shouldn’t really name presidents. It’s not traditional.

Dawe: Neither is threatening the Vatican with Avignon.

Clarke: That was a historical reference. Purely educational.

Dawe: The Vice President told the Pope to be careful about theology.

Clarke: Correct. The VP felt some theological context would be helpful.

Dawe: The Pope is a member of the Order of Saint Augustine.

Clarke: Yes.

Dawe: Saint Augustine invented Just War theory.

Clarke: We’re aware of that.

Dawe: So the Vice President was explaining Augustine to an Augustinian.

Clarke: The VP felt the point needed making.

Dawe: How did that land?

Clarke: The Vatican has not formally responded.

Dawe: Possibly out of pity.

Clarke: We’re choosing to interpret it as respect.

Dawe: The Secretary’s pastor believes Catholics aren’t part of his Christian nation.

Clarke: The pastor speaks for himself.

Dawe: Does he speak for God?

Clarke: He believes so.

Dawe: And the Pope believes so.

Clarke: Right.

Dawe: And the Secretary believes so.

Clarke: Correct.

Dawe: That’s a lot of people God is exclusively speaking to.

Clarke: God works across portfolios.

Dawe: And they all disagree with each other.

Clarke: Faith is a personal journey.

Dawe: With Tomahawk missiles.

Clarke: You keep coming back to the Tomahawk missiles.

Dawe: Someone has to.

Dawe: So on America’s 250th birthday, the American Pope will be on a small Italian island with people fleeing war and poverty.

Clarke: That is his current schedule, yes.

Dawe: Rather than attending the celebrations.

Clarke: He said he was busy.

Dawe: The Pope said he was busy.

Clarke: We’re choosing to respect that.

Dawe: Big of you.

Clarke: We’re a generous administration.

Dawe: You threatened to move the papacy to France.

Clarke: That was a reminder. Of history. Which is not a threat.

Dawe: Isn’t that what history is for?

Clarke: (considers this) Not in the hands of this administration, no.

Dawe: And which of them do you think is more likely to be doing what Jesus would have done?

Clarke: (very long pause)

Dawe: Take your time.

Clarke: I’ve been advised not to answer hypotheticals.

Dawe: That wasn’t a hypothetical.

Clarke: No. (pause) No, it wasn’t.

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