Tonight a rare first. Bruce Dawe. Yes? No. It’s the poet Bruce Dawe, not the Bryan Dawe we meant to invite. Look it’s an easy mistake and we are being honest about it. Yes. Of course John Clarke is in it. Bryan? As part of our ABC consumer guarantee, a “what were you expecting?” segment will follow this.

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Setting: ABC Radio Studio, Canberra. A modest roundtable with papers, microphones, and a faint scent of parliamentary upholstery and Mr Sheen. A small, live, curated audience is present, mildly caffeinated.

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[Sound cue: studio theme music fades. Light applause.]

Narrator: Tonight on The Quiet Australian Forum, we go to the heart of Australian politics, somewhere between the ute-muster paddock, the policy paper, and the PowerPoint. Please welcome poet Bruce Dawe, satirist John Clarke, and the Leader of the Opposition, Sussan Ley, who’s just announced both a new path to net zero and a surprise plan to recall her party to Canberra during the parliamentary break.

[Applause.]

Clarke: Good evening, Sussan. Nice to have you in this half of the atmosphere.

Ley: Lovely to be here, John. And I just want to say, the Liberal Party remains absolutely committed to a mature, responsible, flexible approach to the environment—

Dawe: That sounds like a seniors yoga class with spreadsheets.

Clarke: We’ll get to the spreadsheets in a minute. No. We are not using Teams ^TM

First, “net zero” — what does that mean in your latest plan?

Ley: It means balance, John. Harmony. The nation humming at the right frequency between ambition and affordability.

Clarke: And emissions?

Ley: We’ve decided to take them seriously again. But cautiously.

Dawe: Like a teenager taking responsibility for a goldfish.

[Audience laughter.]

Clarke: You’ve announced you’ll recall your colleagues to Canberra next month. That’s unusual during the break. Is it a meeting, a vote, or an existential crisis?

Ley: It’s a conversation, John. And we want it to be constructive. We’ll begin with the question: “What is the Liberal Party for?”

Dawe: A classic opener. You could set it as an essay topic.

Clarke: Or a royal commission.

Ley: No, no. We’ll manage it internally. There will be breakout sessions; one on energy transition, one on ethics in leadership, and one on how to smile when someone mentions Labor’s renewables bill.

Dawe: Poets would call that “theme and variation.”

Clarke: Pragmatists might call it “stalling.”

[Audience chuckles.]

Ley: Don’t misunderstand us. We have strong policies. We’re just workshopping the parts that people keep asking about.

Dawe: Like the policies.

Ley: Exactly.

Clarke: You say you’re recalibrating towards “yesterday’s future.” Could you unpack that?

Ley: It means rediscovering traditional innovation.

Dawe: That’s almost a haiku, Sussan. Let me check the syllable count.

Clarke: And when you say “traditional innovation,” do you mean things invented before 2007 or after the next election?

Ley: We’re flexible on the dates. What matters is unity.

Dawe: And by unity, you mean everybody agreeing to disagree quietly until the polling improves?

[Audience laughter.]

Clarke: Exactly. Now on carbon; is your party united on net zero?

Ley: I think we share a common goal, John, though there’s some discussion about the adjectives.

Dawe: So “net zero” might become “aspirationally neutral.”

Ley: That’s one of the options.

Clarke: Any figures yet?

Ley: We’re collecting them. It’s a collaborative process. Numbers are divisive until they’re rounded. Up.

Dawe: Poetry again. That’s almost Dadaism; if Dadaism came with an emission target.

Clarke: Sussan, when you bring everyone back to Canberra, will that cost much?

Ley: Only politically. Financially, it’s within the spirit of sustainability.

Dawe: That spirit seems light and airy. Like a balloon hovering above the facts.

Clarke: Sussan, last question. If the Liberals return to Canberra, will they also return to government?

Ley: With your help, John. And a little patience.

Dawe: I could write a poem about that. “The Party Returns to Canberra.” It ends with everyone standing in the same place, slightly rearranged. Carla Zampatti-jacket-casual. No ties, no pantyhose.

[Audience laughter and applause.]

Clarke: We’ll all look forward to that, Bruce. Sussan, thanks for joining us.

Ley: Thank you both; though I’m not sure whether I’ve been interviewed or re-composted.

Dawe: In politics, Sussan, that’s the same thing.

[Theme music rises. Applause fades out.]

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Clarke & Dawe — “Net Zero — A Flexible Position”

Studio. Bare table. two mugs. no props.

Bruce: This evening I’m speaking with John Clarke, who is the Liberal Party’s spokesperson for emissions clarity. Thank you for being here.

John: Pleasure Bruce.

Bruce: The Liberal Party supports Net Zero?

John: Yes Bruce. Absolutely. We support Net Zero; conditionally.

Bruce: Conditionally on what?

John: On not doing anything rash.

Bruce: On not doing anything rash; such as reducing emissions?

John: Exactly Bruce. We don’t want to destabilise the economy by reducing the emissions that are destabilising the economy.

Bruce: You will recall your caucus to Canberra to clarify this position?

John: Correct Bruce. Wait. No. I think it’s everybody. I’ll just check The Australian?

Bruce: Is the Liberal Party unclear on Net Zero?

John: Not at all Bruce. We are extremely clear we must achieve Net Zero. We simply haven’t selected a century.

Bruce: You haven’t selected a century?

John: No Bruce. Picking a year is divisive. We don’t want people fighting over decades.

Bruce: So your Net Zero policy is—

John: Yes.

Bruce: I didn’t finish the sentence.

John: Doesn’t matter Bruce. It’s a very responsive policy.

Bruce: Responsive to what?

John: To polling Bruce.

Bruce: Polls change.

John: Precisely Bruce. It would be irresponsible to lock in numbers when the public might prefer different numbers later.

Bruce: So you won’t choose a target until the public chooses one for you?

John: Correct. Net Zero must be community-led.

Bruce: You are the Opposition.

John: Yes Bruce.

Bruce: And what exactly are you opposing?

John: Premature certainty.

Bruce: Right.

John: We believe the climate system should decarbonise organically, Bruce. Like sourdough.

Bruce (beat): Thank you John.

John: Thank you Bruce.

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CLOSING PRODUCER DISCLAIMER

Bruce: (reads from sheet, neutral):

Before we go — I’m required to note that the Liberal Party’s Net Zero position today may not reflect the Liberal Party’s Net Zero position tomorrow, as their Net Zero position is currently in a phase of ongoing positional development, and no future position should be inferred from the current absence of a settled position.

John (still packing papers):Exactly Bruce.

Bruce:This interview may therefore become inaccurate without notice.

John: And that goes to our transparency Bruce.

Bruce: We’ll update viewers when your party chooses a year.

John: Or a century.

Bruce: Right.

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Dawe (narrating):
And so they gather again in the capital, the air thick with eucalyptus and calculation.
Folders open like hymnals. Charts angled to catch the light just so.
Someone murmurs about balance. Someone else about heritage.
They all nod as though the future were a well-mannered guest who won’t stay long.
A rugby scrum of shit-eating grins, hugs and shoulder-pats,
the self-congratulation of old hands who’ve just agreed to do nothing but a selfie.
Outside, wind slaps the flagpole lanyards against steel,
scattering yesterday’s promises down Commonwealth Avenue.
The air tastes of diesel and Rexona 24-hour protection,
if you inhale through clenched teeth.
[Soft music swells. Light applause. Fade to black.]

Next week, Anthony Albanese and where Labor stands on its Social Media Bill

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