A symbolic political cartoon showing a giant set of unbalanced scales: a huge lump of coal pushed down by disembodied suit-sleeved hands labelled “Influence”, “Access”, “Stakeholders”, and “Donors”, outweighing a group of anxious cartoon koalas on the other tray. A faceless bureaucratic figure at a podium marked “Department of Balanced Outcomes” gestures proudly toward the clearly tilted scales.

CLARKE & DAWE do Koalas and Coal

Written by urbanwronski

SETTING: Parliament House lawn.

BRYAN DAWE with papers.

JOHN CLARKE arrives as a long-term political operator with a portfolio that does not officially exist: the Department for the Effect of New Coal Mining and massive gas-fields on the Climate.
Perfectly calm. Perfectly reasonable. Utterly horrifying.

PART I: THE DECLARATION

BRYAN DAWE: John, the Prime Minister has announced an initiative to balance coal expansion with koala protection.

JOHN CLARKE: Yes, Bryan. A reconciliation effort.

BRYAN DAWE: Between industry and the environment?

JOHN CLARKE: Between announcements and reality, Bryan. They have not been on speaking terms for some time.

PART II: THE SHADOW SYSTEM

BRYAN DAWE: You’re described as the architect of this new framework.

JOHN CLARKE: Not formally, Bryan. Formally, I do not exist.

BRYAN DAWE: What do you do, then?

JOHN CLARKE: I coordinate interests, Bryan. I facilitate alignment. I ensure outcomes remain consistent with expectations.

BRYAN DAWE: Whose expectations?

JOHN CLARKE: Those who are accustomed to having them, Bryan. It is not a large group. But they are very prompt.

BRYAN DAWE: And the koalas?

JOHN CLARKE: Koalas do not have expectations, Bryan. They have needs. Needs cannot be coordinated. Expectations can.

(Beat.)

JOHN CLARKE: And koalas cannot donate.

PART III: THE RICHO PARALLEL

BRYAN DAWE: Some say your methods remind them of Graham Richardson.

JOHN CLARKE: Richo was an innovator, Bryan. He realised the environment is not what appears on maps, but what appears in diaries.

BRYAN DAWE: Diaries.

JOHN CLARKE: Yes. Meetings. Conversations. Understandings. Lists of who has done what for whom, and who requires what in return.
A natural ecosystem, Bryan. Very biodiverse.

BRYAN DAWE: You’re describing patronage.

JOHN CLARKE: No, Bryan. I am describing ecology.
Symbiosis.
Everything depends on everything else.
Particularly funding.

PART IV: KOALAS AS AN ADMINISTRATIVE CATEGORY

BRYAN DAWE: John, koala numbers are collapsing.

JOHN CLARKE: Very regrettable, Bryan. We are fully committed to a proactive response.

BRYAN DAWE: And what does that involve?

JOHN CLARKE: We have reclassified koalas as a category two environmental concern.

BRYAN DAWE: What is category two?

JOHN CLARKE: Issues requiring urgent attention from the department once the department has been restructured. The restructure will commence following a review that has not yet begun.

BRYAN DAWE: And meanwhile?

JOHN CLARKE: Meanwhile, koalas must demonstrate resilience. Many species adapt, Bryan.

BRYAN DAWE: But they’re dying.

JOHN CLARKE: They are participating in the process, Bryan.
Everyone participates in the process.

(Beat.)

JOHN CLARKE: The process is compulsory.

PART V: COAL’S POSITION IN THE ORDER OF THINGS

BRYAN DAWE: Coal seems to have a more secure standing.

JOHN CLARKE: Coal has representation, Bryan. Representation is influence formalised.
Koalas have advocates. Advocates are influence externalised.
A very different model.

BRYAN DAWE: And who represents coal?

JOHN CLARKE: People with access, Bryan.

BRYAN DAWE: Access to what?

JOHN CLARKE: To other people with access.

BRYAN DAWE: So it’s a closed loop.

JOHN CLARKE: That is what makes it so stable, Bryan.
Open loops are unpredictable.
Coal is not fond of unpredictability.

PART VI: THE UNSPOKEN ARRANGEMENT

BRYAN DAWE: Why is coal expansion treated as inevitable?

JOHN CLARKE: Not inevitable, Bryan.
Recognised.

BRYAN DAWE: Recognised by whom?

JOHN CLARKE: By those who recognise inevitabilities.
They do not require naming, Bryan.
They recognise one another.

BRYAN DAWE: So the system is captured.

JOHN CLARKE: No, Bryan. If you say the system is captured, you imply there was an earlier system that was free.
This is the system.
It does not evolve.
It thickens.

PART VII: THE DARK REVELATION

BRYAN DAWE: And where does the environment fit?

JOHN CLARKE: Wherever the narrative requires it to fit.
It is a symbolic resource.

BRYAN DAWE: Symbolic.

JOHN CLARKE: Yes. The koala is a mascot, Bryan.
Coal is a patron.
Mascots are optional.
Patrons are not.

BRYAN DAWE: What do you call this arrangement?

JOHN CLARKE: Governance, Bryan.
Very mature governance.
Only one flaw.

BRYAN DAWE: Which is?

JOHN CLARKE: Eventually the environment notices.

PART VIII: THE EXIT LINE

BRYAN DAWE: John, is any of this sustainable?

JOHN CLARKE: Sustainability is a communications strategy, Bryan.

BRYAN DAWE: And the reality?

JOHN CLARKE: The reality is that coal will continue until someone stops it.
And koalas will continue until something stops them.
At present, both outcomes are proceeding smoothly.

(Beat.)

BRYAN DAWE: And the future?

JOHN CLARKE: Fully subscribed, Bryan.
No vacancies.

EXPLAINER

This satirical sketch is created as a tribute to the inimitable genius of John Clarke and Bryan Dawe, whose work remains the gold standard of Australian political satire. With unmatched clarity, deadpan brilliance, and an unfailing sense of moral purpose, Clarke and Dawe revealed the lunatic absurdity at the heart of our politics: the circular logic, the bureaucratic fog, the studied evasions, and the quiet, grinding machinery of power. Their conversations were never merely jokes; they were acts of illumination. This piece is offered in that spirit; with deep respect for their craft, their insight, their integrity and the democratic and civic service their satire performed so effortlessly.

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