Welcome back to the United States of Flush. In the brave new swirl of Trump 2.0, where every truth is disposable and every lie recirculates, the plumbing has become a trinity: policy, prophecy and legacy. And at the centre of this nation-wide backflow stands the Commander-in-Chief of Clogged Consciousness himself, Donald John Trump, ever further around the S-bend, lecturing America on fluid mechanics.

“You build what’s called a reverse bathtub,” he explains, and often, eyes gleaming like a man who’s seen the abyss and decided to tile it in gold. “You seal it tight. But nature always wins.”

It was a metaphor then. It’s literal now.

From Reverse Bathtub to Reverse Lavatory 2.0

Having conquered the art of back-pressure politics, the new administration has rolled out its crowning infrastructure project: the Reverse Lavatory 2.0: a national system designed not to drain waste, but to circulate it.

Picture the prototype installed in the gleaming new “People’s Palace” press room: a toilet that doesn’t flush down but erupts upward, baptising the nation in a steady spray of grievance, denial, and digital bile. The EPA has been re-branded the Environmental Perfume Agency; its job now is to make it all smell like victory.

White House aides insist the Reverse Lavatory 2.0 isn’t merely symbolic; it’s performative infrastructure. “It keeps the base engaged,” says Press Secretary Lara Trump, already ankle-deep in metaphor. “When the fake media gets splattered, that’s accountability.”

Plumbing the Depths of Governance

• The Department of Education flushes approved history backward into the curriculum.
• The Justice Department recycles riot indictments into pardons.
• The Department of Truth (formerly the FCC) regulates reality itself, one meme at a time.

Trump’s “Infrastructure Week”; once a running gag, has finally arrived, only it’s mostly pipes. Billions flow, not to repair America’s decaying systems, but to ensure the nation’s waste circulates evenly between Mar-a-Lago, Truth Social, and the new state-owned streaming platform, Flush TV+.

Emergency Use Only (Every Day)

The original “reverse bathtub,” Trump warned, was for “emergencies only.” Yet Trump 2.0 has declared the whole world an emergency. Every morning brings a new Executive Backflow Order. When the global markets tanked after his latest tariff tantrum, he reassured the nation: “Sometimes you have to overflow before you can drain.”

Nature, he reminded us again, “always wins.” And by nature, he clearly meant malignant narcissism.

Public Works, Private Plumbing

At taxpayer expense, the Reverse Lavatory initiative is already being installed in friendly states. Florida boasts the first “Freedom Flush Zone,” where residents are encouraged to “let it out” on social media, unfiltered and unmoderated. Texas plans a cross-border version, pointing north.

Meanwhile, the White House gift shop sells miniature gold toilets embossed with the presidential seal and the motto E Pluribus Plumbum — “Out of Many, One Drain.”

The Final Swirl

Critics protest that this isn’t satire anymore: it’s governance. They’re right. In Trump’s America 2.0, the line between the sewer and the Senate is a matter of pressure differential. Truth doesn’t just get flushed; it gets a press conference.

And yet, there’s something almost poetic in the President’s original insight: nature always wins. Because someday, perhaps soon, the pressure will build, the seals will fail, and the great national backflow will reverse once more. Until then, America wades on, knee-deep in the runoff of its own making, praying that someone, somewhere, still remembers where the handle is.

So here’s to you, Mr. President 2.0, Master Plumber of the Republic, High Priest of the Porcelain Age. Let’s not guild the turd. May your next emergency find you finally, mercifully, trapped inside the watertight shit-show you built for the rest of the nation.