Abbott: Ahh… hello, ahh … is that you Vladimir?

 

Putin: President Putin here.

 

Abbott: It’s ahh… Tony Abbott, Mr Putin, ahh… Prime Minister of Australia.

 

Putin: Kak vas zavoot? (what is your name?) Anton? Where? Austria? OK Australia.

 

Abbott: It’s Tony Abbott. Australia. Tony – remember me? APEC, in Bali last October.

 

Putin: No. Remind me.

 

Abbott: I arrived late. Took my seat next to you. Then you completely ignored me. All meeting.

 

Then you stood me up later. Our bilateral meeting. Just you and me. You didn’t keep the appointment.

No apology. No show.

 

Putin:  Anton, you asshole! You bandy-legged, two-faced son of a street whore. You moral moron. You reject from Catholic seminary. You insult me on my birthday in front of world leaders. Then you call me criminal in press.  Of course I did not show up. You show contempt to me. Now you are pissed off that I did not speak to you. 

 

You lie to Australian people. You spy on Indonesia. You repeal carbon taxes that could help save world. You detain asylum seekers illegally on high seas.  You take Israel’s side over Palestine. You ride bicycle in speedos. You are Rupert Murdoch’s puppet-pet. You think you can take moral high ground? You make me puke! I say to you, Aton, look into your own glasshouse before you throw stones.

 

 You have permission to speak?

 

Abbott: Thank you, Vladimir, it is wonderful to hear your voice.

 

Putin: Permission from your chief of staff, I mean. All talks must be OK with your chief of staff Peta Credlin first. She make firm rule. We talk earlier. She ring me. Prepare press release.

 

I  tell her I forgive you for snub at APEC. She tells me you did not know what you were doing. Now is OK for you to forgive me for seeming rude.  Is just my personal style. Understand. This is why you ring me?

 

Abbott: Peta?

 

Putin: I have rule. Always deal with top dog – sorry I mean top apparatchik. Why waste time on organ grinder’s monkey … 

 

Abbott: No. Yes. Good to speak to you, too at last, Vladimir. Glad to hear we are still … ahh … on good terms. Vladimir, we need to talk man to man. About MH17 …

 

Putin:  MH17? How dare you! I spit in your face. I shit in your bike helmet. I piss in your drink bottle. 

 

Abbott: Your speech is typically colourful, Mr President. But let us put words to one side, Vladimir. Man to man. We have much in common.

 

Putin: We do?

 

Abbott: Much in common. We are both men of action. Macho, outdoorsy types. We are like brothers, you and me. Of course, from time to time we wrestle. Like Oliver Reed and Alan Bates in Women in Love. All part of the cut and thrust of a robust relationships. Such differences are manly and noble contests of wills.  

 

Putin: Alan Bates. Bare-chested wrestling Oliver Reed on the carpet in front of the fire? That homo-erotic filthy western perversion!

 

Abbot: So you enjoyed it too?

 

Putin: Please not to change subject. I talk now man to man. Later we have healthy exchange of views. You must accept our condolences.

 

Let me say first how much and how deeply we regret loss of lives. Please accept deepest condolence from me personally and from all of Russian people. Deepest regrets. Like you I am family man. All Russia people regret loss of life.

 

Abbott: You are sorry?

 

Putin: Not the word I am using, Anton. Have you forgotten the teachings of your master John Howard? But of course I regret. You think I meant for this to happen? You think I am happy man? You think I meant for those mad mongrel bastard sons of Donetsk crack whores to shoot down a civilian plane? You think I would supply vodka-sodden thugs with surface to air missile? That I would blame it on Ukraine? That I would broadcast lies on Russian media? You think I would let those rebel goons loot the crash site?

 

Abbott: Yes

 

Putin: Yes. So what if I did? So what if I am?

 

Abbott: I have to say that would be ahh … deeply, deeply unsatisfactory.

 

Putin: So? There is no evidence … 

 

Abbott: It was shot down. It did not crash. It was downed. And it was downed over territory controlled by Russian-backed rebels. It was downed by a missile launched by Russian-backed rebels.

 

Putin: Don’t waste my time with News Corp western propaganda! Russia knows truth. All Russia knows it was Ukranian military. And whole world knows you are puppet of Rupert Murdoch.

 

In Russia we know much about terrorists. And terrorist puppets. Terrorist puppets of other powers active in Ukraine. Proxies for west who want to tear from us a juicy piece of the pie.

 

So there is mistake. Just like when Americans shot down Iranians in ’88. Accidents happen. People die. Is war zone. Very sad accident. Of course everyone in my Russia is blaming Ukraine.  But is OK. Rebels will liberate. Then Ukraine can come back to Mother Russia. Just like Crimea.

 

Abbott: I have to say that your responses, are … ahh … deeply, deeply unsatisfactory.

 

Putin: Don’t waste my time, Anton. I grew up in Leningrad. We are starving but uniting to kill rats in apartment. Let me give you a little history lesson. In siege of Leningrad one million people starve to death or die of bombing.

 

I grew up in a rat-infested communal apartment in a rat-infested Leningrad slum. Three families huddled together in the flat with no heat, hot water, or a bathroom. We bathed over a makeshift toilet on the staircase, with water heated on the gas stove.

 

You think I need a lecture on what is satisfactory? You really think we have so much in common?

 

Abbott: You are forcing my hand, Vladimir.

 

Putin: Of course. What are you going to do about it?

 

Abbott: Look, we have many options available to us. We are exploring the full range of options. You may not be welcome here later in the year …

 

Putin: You mean the G20 meeting? That fart-fest? 

 

You mean sanctions? Sanctions make me even more popular? I piss myself laughing.

 

Abbott: The G20 is not our meeting but, yes, we could …

 

Putin: Give me a holiday!

 

Abbott: See that you were not welcome.

 

Putin: Is like time out for bad boy in class? Give me time for hunting and horseback riding at home. Get my shirt off in photographs.

 

You think I need G20? 20 states who agree on nothing. They are nothing. They know nothing. They mean nothing. The only thing that they have in common is that they have nothing in common. They have absolutely no power.

 

Now, I have power. Some wrongly say like Tsar. Unlike Tsar, I have power. I am also billionaire. I am oligarch.  And I have perfect autocratic temperament. Controlled, sarcastic, cold, crabby, and tight-lipped.

 

Abbott: The G20 is a very big organisation.

 

Putin: Big, yes. Organised no. Weak as piss. United only in common delusion to leave everything up to the market.  Look at your Hockey press release from last meeting. “We will do all we can to do as little as we can. We believe in economic growth.”

 

And there are fairies at the bottom of the garden.

 

Abbott: G20 did tell Spanish investors to take a haircut in the GFC.

 

Putin: You mean G20 was happy for banks to keep other people’s money? Russia signs free trade agreement. Days later we announce tariffs for car industry. 

 

G20 nothing without Russia. West needs Russian oil. Russian energy.

 

Even Australia big importer of Russian oil. And we buy you farm exports. You would like me to review these? Make your farmers unhappy. Make your coalition even more of a joke.

 

Abbott: Now, Vladimir, there is no need to take this personally. I need to have some guarantees from you.

 

Putin: Like guarantees you gave voters in Australia during the election campaign?

 

Abbott: Absolutely.

 

Putin: Now you are talking. Tell me what you want in press release. Putin put in for you.

 

Abbott: Access to the crash site.

 

Putin: Impossible. Is war zone.

 

Abbott: Safe passage to trains and planes connected with the clean-up.

 

Putin: Impossible. Is war zone.

 

Abbott: That all guilty be brought to justice.

 

Putin: Impossible. Is war zone.

 

Abbott: A ceasefire while we get the site cleared.

 

Putin: Impossible. Is war zone.

 

Abbott: A statement of regret.

 

Putin: You and Peta both know I am saying yes to regret.

 

Abbott: I think we have an understanding. Mr Putin, you little beauty.

 

Putin: The pleasure is all mine.

 

Abbott: Been a privilege dealing with you.

 

Putin: You would know all about privilege. Now excuse me I have call waiting from brave sons of Russian soil in Ukraine …